In an odd turn of events we recently squabbled over who was more of a “Liz Lemon”; yes, slow day at the office. We, however, don’t construe our decidedly Lemon-like tendencies to be a bad thing as we personally admire her life choices; in particular her ability to repel the opposite sex. As two single twenty-somethings, we have also been repelling men for a few years now, but Liz possesses such finesse and aptitude. Dare we even fathom putting ourselves in the same category?! She is repelling the best of them: Matt Damon, James Franco and presumably James Marsden to come.
So if you don’t inherently repel men, allow us to provide this here helpful guide courtesy of Elizabeth Miervaldis Lemon:
(Please proceed with caution, as the following is not for the faint of heart.)
Appearance
It is always wise to wear sweatpants, pull your hair back with a chip clip and use a Velcro wallet when going out on the town. At the office, wear a dickey, no full size shirt necessary. When it comes to underwear, exclusively buy your bras on eBay, by the bag load. Also a bathing suit can make a great underwear substitute.
Eating
Don’t be afraid to express a deep love of off-brand bodega cheese curls. Food is always your priority. To be safe, make it known that you will always choose a sandwich over potential suitors. In order to show off your feminine qualities “shot gun” entire pizzas. When a guy offers to buy you a drink at a bar, always ask for mozzarella sticks instead. It is recommended that you do most of your eating in bed.
Activities
Join the WNBA’s Timeless Torches, and may we suggest maybe wearing those pants out in public while doing sunset arms frequently, just a thought. If you find yourself with some free time consider using your brain power to formulate new words to describe bodily functions. This can be done by combing existing words (i.e. Snarting) or using your name as a play on words (i.e. Lizzing). You can also begin conducting ground breaking social experiments; such as dressing up as an elderly woman, while carrying a fowl smelling gym bag and acting crazy in public, all in the name of testing human boundaries. If these activities have left you overly tired, pee in the shower to save time. NOTE: Engaging in all of the above activities will be equally effective when human repelling.
Fitness
Never ever exercise.*
*For general health concerns and well-being this is perhaps better left unexamined
Romance
Avoid sex or make it fast and only on Saturdays. On the off chance you find yourself having sex, leave your blazer on. Liz recommends Rico’s blazer shop if you need to pick one up. If all else fails in this department, find an attractive distant cousin. We are not saying it is ok to date your cousin, but if you happen to unknowingly end up on a date with a distant relative, take the night off; the man repelling should naturally take care of its self.
Demeanor
This is possibly the most important aspect of man repelling. If you manage to follow all the above guidelines and men still find you appealing, your only escape lies in your demeanor. Try to talk about and compare all men to your fake boyfriend, Astronaut Mike Dexter. Insult future mates' current jobs and discredit any of their future goals. When traveling on your love interest’s airplane, create a passenger mutiny (unfortunately, this only works when dating a pilot, but one should always be prepared). Be overly aware of and awkward when dealing with diversity, especially in those you’re dating. This works best in cases where you mistake little people for children and/or when continuing to date someone solely to prove you’re not a racist. Lastly, never ever let an opportunity to mock pass you by. Degrade his self esteem at every available turn.
Repel away.
In utter admiration,
Us
