Kim and Kanye take Paris

What an Awesome and wondrous Labour Day gift we received from Kimye: A Wedding Special!

And bless Kim’s heart for trying so hard to make it seem like it was her first. The occasion was supposedly filled with many secrets and surprises. I attribute this to Kim herself being in the dark about most of her own wedding plans, but I digress. Between E! Online, Instagram and every single news outlet on the planet, I felt very few details hadn’t surfaced yet, but just in case you missed them: let's review some of the inside scoop revealed last night:

Un: Kim Kardashian is a Parisian Tourism Ambassador. Thank god we finally have someone to show us all of the hidden gems in this unknown city.

Deux: Having Kanye West, whom you've likely only met sparingly, pick out a dress for you to wear without any input is obnoxious. Also his opinion on slits is final.

Trois: Mr. West understands that best friend isn’t a person but a tier; a classic Mindy Lahiri life lesson. Those three groomsmen looked like a barrel of laughs didn’t they?

Quatre: North West! Oh wait. We’ve seen her already. I’ll buy someone a million Instagram likes if they can logically explain to me why Nori’s face had to be blurred on that iPhone after we had seen her two scenes earlier? KONFUSED.

Cinq: Kendall Jenner is a model. I hadn't heard.

Six: The Kardashians‘ family and friends have iPhones that capture flawless HD Video and high quality sound. Either that or they stole footage they paid paparazzi to capture in-between driving Rob Kardashian out of the country. *

*E! definitely filmed this episode.

Dashingly yours,

Lauren

Kardashian Kastastrophe

And I don’t just mean Bruce Jenner's ponytail! Disturbing, yes. But the least of the family's worries since Season 9 started off in the middle of two whirlwind marriage separations. Though we've come to terms with the simultaneous end of Khloe/Lamar & Kris/Bruce, the emotions were still raw during last night's premiere. Blank stares and the inability to remove one's sunglasses truly do speak volumes! Thankfully, however, not everyone is in shambles. So we should really be focusing on the positive aspects of Kardashian life.

Kendall: Now that she is pulling her own weight (i.e. dating Harry Styles!) they’ve given her some powerful lines this season. Hold onto your emotions as Kendall speaks up during a family meeting regarding the separation; also she doesn’t seem to understand biology and thinks she no longer has siblings. Moving stuff.

Kim: During the episode Kim finally admitted to being nervous about motherhood. But, not to worry, she loves it now that her baby is trending on Twitter.

Rob: The self-proclaimed patriarch (possibly fueling those Bruce sex-change rumours?) moved out and furnished his pad with Cîroc from Puffy! Also, there is a medical reason for the recent weight gain, let's all join Brandon Jenner in a look of shock followed by sigh of relief.

Kourtney: I shamefully missed that Instagram of her joyously stomping grapes Lucy style, so thank goodness I watched the episode.

Let's all look forward to a new season. Do not fret, even without the boys it looks drama filled!

Dashingly yours,

Lauren

Looking at Kimye in Magazines

A mere week ago Kim Kardashian vowed to start keeping her relationship with Kanye West private. Below is the recently released, pretty provocative cover of L'Officiel Hommes March issue:





Read about more ill-timed Kardashian moments here.

Kardashian Koncern

Last night Kourtney and Kim Kardashian took Miami amidst what felt like a sick joke. I only say this because the happenings on last night’s episode seemed ill-timed and very koncerning.

The episode, basically an hour-long Instagram session set to dialogue, focused on the arrival of Kim's kitten Mercy and her inability to care for anything other than herself. Ok, so this is koncerning for several reasons, but mainly because we’ve just found out that she is pregnant. Bad time to have us watch her not only struggle to take care of, but also misplace, an adorable kitten that she refers to as her child! (Spoiler alert: this kitten, sadly, has in fact met an untimely, and now suspicious, death and was last seen posthumously on the Kardashian Khristmas Kard).

Also koncerning is when Kanye West (gifter of the kitten, as well as father to be) kind of insisted that Kim name the pet after his song entitled Mercy; doesn’t bode well for the naming of the Kimye infant, but we can revisit this conversation when little Jesus Walks West is born.

Lastly, I think we should definitely be koncerned about Kim’s adoption of the phrase YOLO and not just because as a society we’ve decided to stop saying it. I worry she is misinterpreting only living once as an excuse to have one man's baby while still married to another -- yet another ill-timed situation of which Khloe continued to remind us last night.

All things considered, looks like a great season ahead. Should be interesting if the episode where Khloe excitedly finds out she is X-Factor co-host coincides with the confirmation that she is definitely fired from the show. May as well continue this genius-scheduling streak!

Dashingly yours,

Lauren

Kardashians Take the World

For 2012 I seriously considered caring less about trashy reality television, but that was before I realized two new series were premiering last night. Obviously my resolutions went straight out the window. In case you missed them; I’ve provided the series descriptions below:

Scott and Kris Take Toronto

Passive aggression beckons once again as Kris Humphries returns with Scott Disick to Canada for some scripted fun. The new spinoff follows both Kardashian counterparts as they travel without permission (gasp!), complain about hurt feelings, deface Toronto by peeing publically and yelling at mounted officers then, most importantly, dodge old as-if-you-hadn’t-heard-he-was-married “friends” who rear their ugly blurred faces.

Kim and Kris Take Dubai

The bright lights of Dubai look suspiciously like paparazzi and camera crews, as Kim forgets she has a husband and Kris (Kardashian, that is) gets what we all know she’s been waiting for: a sisterly type spin-off. The series follows mother and daughter, supporting some sort of milkshake brand as they wear inappropriate footwear, make phony toasts and hang out with a bunch of people we’ve never seen before. All in an attempt to relax and discuss how things have “gotten really weird with Kris (Humphries that is).” Nothing like a free trip to Dubai to realize your marriage is in shambles.

Enjoy.

In all seriousness, thanks to E! and Ryan Seacrest Productions, of course for making Toronto look so good despite the questionable company.

Ps. These are purely over embellished portrayals of separate episodes of Kourtney and Kim Take New York, not to be confused with actual Kardashian spin offs. I know this can get komplicated.

Dashingly yours,
Lauren

Kardashian Konfusion

It has been a big week for the Kardashians. Kourtney announced she was pregnant and then engaged in a twitter war with Teen Ugly Crier Mom, Farrah who accused Kourtney and Scott of being teen parents. I think she is confused.

She’s not the only one. Apart from the much-needed return of Khloe, last night’s KKTNY was full of all kind of confusing antics that made Kris Humphries seem like a genius.

Konfusion #1: When did waking your sister up before her alarm goes off make you a jealous troll? I thought it made you hilarious!

Konfusion #2: How did Jeff and Bonnie Disick produce Scott? They seem delightful, if not confused in general by their son, his girlfriend and the fact that she threw out their chess set.

Konfusion #3: Khloe Kardashian seems to have put her current “career” on hold to pursue therapeutic endeavours? Thanks goodness she came in time to offer her counselling services to Kourtney and Scott.

Konfusion #4: Kris and Kim are confused about what marriage feels like. News flash, I’m pretty sure this isn’t it.

Konfusion #5: What the hell were they cooking in that pan? Just sausage and yellow peppers, half chopped and half un-chopped? Ah, wha?

Konfusion #6: Who were those kids who knocked on Kris Humphries’ door and how much did they get paid to do so?

The only thing people don’t seem to be confused about is how adorable it was when Mason was playing with that broom.

On a different note, can we all celebrate that Kris Humphries finally found a gym in New York conducive to his training needs.

Dashingly yours,

Lauren

The Kardashians are back in Season

What I am not certain about is the NBA season, but I caught wind about some lockout ending or similar, but all that this means to me is that Lamar won’t have to tap into his other revenue stream (cough Khloe cough) just yet. What I do know for certain is that the Kardashians are definitely back in season.

The second season of Kim and Kourtney Take New York premiered on Sunday (as if you didn’t know that). This gift of television amazingness should probably have been called Kris and Scott Join Together for a Pity Party, regardless, I’m still riveted.

Although we already know exactly what is going to happen, (SPOILER ALERT!) Kim and Kris get divorced; the premiere episode started off with a bang in the form of a weird naked guy doing yoga, an oil enema, Avril Lavigne pretending to be relevant and overall Mason adorableness.

In case you missed it, here is what you need to know: Kris Humphries can’t find a gym in all of New York City that is suitable for his all-important training regime. He blames Mason. Scott and Kourtney don’t connect anymore and oddly sleep in separate bedrooms. They blame Mason. Everyone is forced to try wildly unappealing health food. They blame Mason. And Jonathan Cheban is now in the main cast. I don’t know whom to blame for this, but when I find out…!

I guess next week tune in to see what kind of havoc Mason will cause next. I’m sure he is actually the main reason behind Kimmy’s divorce, not the personality and social etiquette that Kris Humphries obviously lacks. And hopefully everyone will gather on the balcony again to take photos of themselves like we all do in our 2-story luxury loft hotel rooms.

Dashingly yours,

Lauren

Also, at some point this season, there’s this: