Keeping Up with Kris’ Krucifixion

Before you jump to any conclusions, I haven’t pulled a Kris Jenner and been unfaithful to my favorite reality royals; I have just been silently mourning the loss of Khloe and Lamar thus haven’t been able to talk Dash publically until now. But last night I was able to pull myself together and kaught up on the current happenings and a lot is going on, with Kris that is. Her dreams have finally come true as she is front and center this season, accentuating those questionable parenting and marvelous marketing skills.

Back in the day Kris was up to some extra marital activates, tisk tisk! For one, I feel duped for not realizing earlier that this was really all part of an elaborate subplot 20 years in the making,she's one wiley momager! These colourful indiscretions have taught us a lot so far this season. Particularly that if one day you plan on famewhoring out your family you better plant some seeds early to make Season 7 a smashing success:

First and foremost, cheat on your irrelevantly prominent husband now. This will later evolve into an insignificant paternity issue for one of your children and make for a riveting season premiere for your reality series.

Secondly during this years Olympics find a complacent athlete (from any specialty really, Kris recommends track) that you can marry; ensure he has children. This will all make sense when your eldest daughter enlists said blended family to awkwardly prank complacent athlete husband number two. This works as a more lighthearted series subplot. You’ve got to keep a nice balance and this is Bruce Jenner approved.

Finally, ensure that the eldest of your offspring carry’s around a lot of emotional baggage re: the above; this is best achieved by flirting with, then making numerous comments about sleeping with attractive younger men as well as writing a racy tell all. You may not see the fruits of this labour until she is, herself a mother but wait for it; it makes for tantalizing television as it heavily influences her romantic relationship with a humorously arrogant secondary character.

So please go ahead and flourish. It is what Kris would want, and I look forward to tuning into E! Network to watch your efforts dramatically unfold --- note: when this happens, per Kimmy’s sage advice don’t believe you can get away with doing your own hair and make-up anymore, try as hard as possible at all times.

In other news Rob has a sock line. I havn’t yet figured out where that fits into the master plan, but we are only 3 episodes in, so stay tuned.

Dashingly yours,


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