10 Ways to Prolong The Olympics (Applicable ONLY to talentless spectators)

London is still fictitiously calling and while lying on your couch pretending you’re a sports enthusiast isn’t a viable option anymore, here are some helpful tips on how to keep the spirit of the Summer Olympics alive.

1. Burn a candle in your apartment and hope it last for 16 full days
Create your own eternal flame. May we suggest luxury brand Voluspa? No sense in sacrificing a delicious aroma and trendy appearance. Also the burning power on those puppies is exorbitant! Upon acquiring said flame, ask all the sale associates at Anthropologie to pass it ceremonially to one another before paying; this adds a little something extra.

2. Change your ringtone to either the American or Chinese national anthem
It is not a true Olympic experience without the Star Spangled Banner and March of the Volunteers infiltrating the eardrums 5-10 times daily. With respectable Gold medal counts, figure the amount of calls you’re receiving daily are equal to the number of times both anthems played; assuming you’re popular that is.

3. Start rating everything on a scale of bronze to gold
Boys. Restaurants. Outfits. Movies. Award a medal type rating to anything and everything you can. And don’t stress over giving the Bronze to last Saturday’s dinner date; I am sure he was just happy to make the podium.

4. Start a letter writing campaign to have Prince Harry’s iPhone photos shared on a commemorative Instagram account
What better way to keep the London 2012 Spirit alive than the potential reliving of each event and Wills fondling Kate moments through, not only Royal, but also vintage filtered lenses?!  Also, we’ve never so badly wanted someone to get Instagram, two birds.

5. Talk about things only in terms of distance, pace and accuracy
Call your friends and tell them you’ll be there in 100m/800m/500m (whatever!) and if they seem anxious about you running late, remind them of your World Record pace.

6. Watch a lot of weekend update with Seth Meyers (Canadians ONLY)
The comical news delivery by Meyers isn’t far from CTV doppelganger James Duthrie's farce of a program. Lets be honest, he seemed less than inspired some days providing us Canadians with our Olympic updates. One morning, he greeted viewers, in a salty tone and said “Guess I’ll be stuck here for the next 8 hours!” yeah that’s your job. Seth is also uncannily similar to Ryan Lotche as well; we smell a spot-on SNL impression on the horizon.

7. Commentate on, be passionate about and support topics you know next to nothing about. Be as critical as possible
Don’t be afraid to continue blowing a whole lot of smoke when conversing with your pals, coworkers and even strangers you’ve met on the street. We can all admit to becoming rather arrogant and know-it-all-y about the Olympics: "I've seen a better Steeplechase at my family reunion on Grandma's farm!" Har har har." Um, no you didn't and you don't know anything about the Steeplechase. I'm pretty sure this type of balderdash is not even a stretch for most of you.

8. Root for/befriend British or American people. ONLY when there are no Canadians around
Continue to put your prejudices aside and support our closest allies.

9. Interview people at moments when there is no way they can be coherent or rational
Prime example: congratulate your partner after a particularly athletic love making sesh and immediately interview post dismount. In their post-coital breathlessness and exhaustion, the answers will no doubt be Lochte-level dumb and senseless. Ah, memories.

10. If anyone asks your opinion on what the outcome of something will be, respond confidently by answering Michael Phelps or Usain Bolt 
Safe bet all around.

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