If you have any pop culture or gossip prowess you no doubt love award season! Settling down to watch your favourite actors battle it out over shiny, oddly shaped trophies sends an inexplicable chill through your body.
Visions of you and Leonardo DiCaprio walking the red carpet dance through your head. You cook up dream scenarios that place you front row as that fresh faced gal of the people, in the designer dress, that Leo is so enamored with that he praises you with love during his Best Actor acceptance speech. But alas, life has killed that dream you dream as year after year you sit at home; organizing an Oscar pool for your out-of-touch office mates who've barely even heard of the talkies.
Not to fret kittens, we've dedicated our lives to making your dreams a reality, and have compiled this helpful list of ways for you to feel like you're at the Academy Awards!
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Divide all the people in your life into helpful categories of 5. Call them at 5am in the morning to deliver the news. Example nominations: Best Work Wardrobe, Best Hand Writing, Best Phone Answerer and so on. Obviously tailor them to suit your social circle's attributes and accomplishments. |
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This one will take some forethought. Try to get into various trade shows around your city. If you live in a large metropolis, there should be plenty of conferences to frequent. Collect all the freebies you can from the booths - we're talking stress balls, pens, and (most coveted) Post-Its. Gather all your free trinkets into a bag and voilà: Your very own swag bag! |
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Borrow jewelry from your nearest fine jeweler. This may prove difficult as you likely have no pull or credit with these folks, so we recommend purchasing some costume jewels from a retail shop with a lax return policy. We recommend Banana Republic (you can even return earrings!). |
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Purchase and use only accessory and home decor items in metallic colours (this includes plates, mugs, hair brushes, purses etc.) One never knows when a suitable statue substitute will be useful and you don't want to be empty handed when you start delivering long-winded acceptance speeches (See Item 9). |
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Lay down red carpet wherever your starlet feet may potentially take you. You can also swiftly take a play from Tom Haverford's handbook here and line all your shoes with red carpet to save time and effort. |
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Even if nobody asks, tell everyone you encounter the exact details of your outfit. Do not be ashamed; that J. Crew sweater and Joe Fresh necklace deserve the publicity. If you want to take it to the next level, take 360° images of yourself, post it on Instagram as your own interpretation of E! GlamCam (@ryanseacrest for a unique level of realism). |
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Use your iPhone to record yourself screaming your name in a variety of voices, accents, and tones. Throw in a few "Who are you wearing?" callouts for good measure. Use Garage Band to create an mp3. Hit play and enjoy the praise. You can also unscrew the lightbulbs in your apartment to produce a slight flicker. This will create the illusion of paparazzi flashing as gathering crowds yell out your name. |
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Start playing moderately loud music over the phone when you want people to WRAP IT UP. Effective when your mother calls to discuss Aunt Silvia's botched face-lift. Also practical when you compliment an acquaintance on their outfit and they go on and on about where they got it and how they got such a deal because it was Boxing Day. No one cares and you were just being nice. (Although these types could easily be enacting Item 6, proceed with caution.) |
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When thanking gracious guests for attending your party or even that trusty cashier at the local HastyMarket, also remember to thank God, your parents, your co-stars, director and fellow shoppers/attendees as well. Never forget your spouse (if applicable!); you'll want to avoid a public fallout at all costs (can be used in tandem with Item 4.) |
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Practice your winning/losing faces in the mirror, as one should always be doing. This face is also quite useful in work meetings when your boss takes all the credit for your million dollar idea. |
Winningly yours,
Us
